Friday, November 4, 2011

my man is tryin' to understand

tequila is my friend
numb
is my way
h0w can I move


I can't move
just dance my
way through
one numb
day and another.

lost in my numb drink
on the verg of
puke

supported by marriage

don't ever mix
tequila
and vodka

today

fuckfuckuck

Friday, September 2, 2011

Country boy

Sweet country boy swagger
the rise and fall of each hip
hung
in tight jeans
talkin' of hayin'
and horses
and beer
and I don't care
so long as I can watch him walk.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

To Begin Again

So a friend and I decided I've been away too long.

Friday, February 18, 2011

For granted

Tell me your story. What is it that makes you who you are? What life experiences have made you so intriging? I think that its all about how one plays hard to get. Someone seems intriging because he might be quiet and mysterious, when in reality he doesn't really have anything to say. Not much going on in his life, so not much to say. It may not be the case here but I have to wonder.


Maybe it's me. I may be the uninteresting one. I'm the ungrateful stupid woman that can't seem to understand the gifts she has.


I don't really think I'd be unfaithful to my husband, but it would be nice to know that I have some attractive qualities. I'm not young or thin anymore, I can't just walk suggestively across the street and stop traffic, or give a man a deep look that has him falling over himself. As a female I do understand the effect, one can have over the male of the species, assuming her features are agreeable and moderately attractive. Being not a young woman however, and having an husband not know for his overt demonstrations of attraction or public affection, I'm left with doubt about my own features and attractiveness. You might wonder what it would matter whether I'm physically attractive to anyone but my husband. As I said, his demonstrations are few and we have moved to a less passionate interaction over the years. I'm just beginning to understand how necessary it is for me to feel attractive. Sex is more enjoyable, my self asteem is better, I feel more confident in my work. There are many benefits to have a woman feel attractive, beautiful, desired... To my husbands credit we have talked some about this need I have and he is trying, but it is so foreign to him that it comes accross as awkward. He is fighting his nature. It isn't my intention to disturb his peace I just want to feel again. It isn't like he never found me attractive, even now I believe he does, it's just that he's out of practice. He doesn't have to work for me anymore, not that he had to work that hard in the first place.


Perhaps that is the problem. Having had such a poor childhood that did nothing to build my self esteem, his attentions were well received. That does assume he was the aggressor which of course wasn't the case. I sought him out. Not to repeat story I've already told, I'll just say I chose him. Gave him the attention that showed my attraction, perhaps because I thought he might return the favor, as he did.


Over time and after 4 children our mutual attractions seem to have cooled. I suppose it all started when I went back to school a few years ago. The world started to expand for me. As it expanded, I tried to bring him along and share what I'd learned. Instead I got much the same response as I did when sharing with my mother my first experiences of first grade; more interested in the drama of soaps, daytime television, or NASCAR as it were, than in my expanding world. He took for granted that it was all a passing moment, that nothing would or could upset his ordered world. 

How little he has understood.